I should be sponsored by Trojan
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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