My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
