A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize