dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
they need to just BURY HIM!
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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