I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
