Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
