i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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