Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
