insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
