You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
