so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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