I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i wish my penis had a tongue
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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