My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize