i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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