She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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