my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize