I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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