ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
