I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
