i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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