Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
