This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
