who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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