I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
