I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
