just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
