woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
