I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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