How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize