i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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