i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
