Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
