i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
