Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
