Me too!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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