In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize