how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
My penis needs a shock collar
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
