Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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