I got chris browned last night
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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