I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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