If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
