Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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