the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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