Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
