She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
