the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
