All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
