someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
