Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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