Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Found the puke drawer
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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