My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
