WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize