So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
