I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize