I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
being pregnant is like rehab
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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