Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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