You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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