Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
