I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
