Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
