I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You need a sexual gate keeper
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
