My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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