I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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