I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
it glows. i had to have it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
