tell your sister to shave her snatch
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
