He asked to "fluff my boner.."
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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