He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize