Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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