My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
