I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
