Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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