VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well I just put wine in my tea
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize