I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I AM VODKA MAN
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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