I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
