You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
