her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
