I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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