She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
