I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
