i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
