Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize